Do you likes arbitrary lists that are by no means the "Top Things?" You do? Really? Oh, well that's just wonder-ful, because boy do I have a list. Just, y'know, a list. But you gotta like Star Wars to read it. Otherwise you probably won't care about this particular list. And if you don't care, you won't read. But maybe you should read it anyways.
Remember that whole George Lucas selling
There's no better way to begin your arbitrary blog with an arbitrary list about arbitrary things. Sick of the word arbitrary yet? But lets face it, people like to read lists so they can compare them with their own thoughts and then get angry when their personal list does not correspond with the "official" list they just read on some random website on the internet which then gives them a virus because the website was shady as fuck but the reader desperately wanted to know "James Franco's Top 10 Secret Hobbies." *takes breath*
At least I'm not putting "You Won't BELIEVE What Number #1 Is!" somewhere in the post title. That'd just be insulting, wouldn't it?
But first lets define this list a bit more clearly. These are things that are no longer canon in the Star Wars universe since Disney's reboot of the canon in 2014. In a universe so incredibly large, a lot of weird shit was bound to happen. Even some of the more hardcore fans probably haven't heard of or seen some of these things. Now, what qualifies as "weird?" Well, to me, it's anything that just doesn't really seem to fit in the Star Wars universe or is just so bizarre it can hardly be said to fit in any universe. Of course, this isn't just an idle bashing of weird things from Star Wars. Oh no. Let me state that I don't even hate or dislike half of this list. Some of these things I love. I will say it came close to being a list of bad things in Star Wars, but that's more or less a different list for a different day. These may not really be the strangest things, but I digress. For now, check out the top 10 weirdest things I have found in the expansive universe.
(The main rule is that it must be something that does not exist in the current canon. As it happens, authors in the new canon have the freedom to take old topics and bring them into the new canon. However, if I had one of those things in this list, it'd defeat the purpose of the title "Used to be Star Wars canon," as this is mainly meant to look at the classic Expanded Universe era)
Number 10
Captain Dunwell
A long time ago in a publishing house far, far away... Some guys shot up with pure heroin and published a series of environmental PSAs junior novels that would go on to be known as the "Jedi Prince" series. The series became known for its weirder introductions to the Star Wars universe, such as the Warlord Trioculus, Jabba the Hutt's father Zorba, the Prophets of the Dark Side, and the still hilarious phrase "Dark Greetings." The series is still reviled by many fans, which means its unlikely anything related to it will ever see the light of the new canon. Honestly, this entry should just be the "Jedi Prince" in its entirety, but lets just focus on one facet.
The first book, entitled The Glove of Darth Vader, features a plot where Luke Skywalker and friends go to end a whaling operation. Yep, goddamn whalers in outer space. Save the whales kids, especially the talking ones on the Mon Calamari home world. The whalers (made up of nothing but Walrusmen) are led by Captain Dunwell, who is pretty much just space Captain Ahab if Ahab killed Moby Dick and then bought a fleet of spaceships and butt-faced alien crew-members to go on a mega-sized whale killing spree.
The character offers little to the plot (Which is, as you may guess, about finding Darth Vader's shiny glove) and only seems to exist so that the writers (Paul and Hollace Davids) could shoe-horn in something about ocean conservation. Because when I think Star Wars, I think about the saving the whales from an army of Ponda Babas led by Captain Ahab Dunwell. You know he's evil because he kills talking whales that add nothing to the general plot of the "Jedi Prince" series. Like, seriously. Dunwell dies like a punk and the Whalodons are never brought up again.
Also the whales are called Whalodons, so you know they're whales.
Number 9
The Dreams of Cody Sunn-Childe
The first of what will be several mentions of the original Marvel run of Star Wars comics, Issue 46, The Dreams of Cody Sunn-Childe is the first entry here to prove that "Weird" doesn't always translate to "Bad." Mind you, I actually liked the "Jedi Prince" series.
Firstly, check out this intense cover art. The Millennium Falcon is making a hurried getaway as the "Dreadnaught Devourer" [sic] tears apart a Star Destroyer. Yikes. Published in 1981 after the release of The Empire Strikes Back, this bizarre tale features Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca becoming stranded in the void where they run into a strange paradise city floating in space. Running the locale, referred to as the Kingdom of Dreams, is an alien named Cody Sunn-Childe, who sought out this hard to reach piece of space in order to lead a life of pacifism. You see, Sunn-Childe was once a Rebel warrior who fought not for freedom, but rather for the sheer thrill of the fight. He and his terrorist buddies would simply run around and hit Imperial targets for fun while causing mayhem on whoever they happened upon.
The issue is notable for executives meddling with plot details to the point that author J.M. DeMatteis wanted his name taken off of the project. The parts of the story that get weird, though, is that Sunn-Childe has a mostly unexplained power that allows him to manifest his aggression into violent and nigh-indestructible demons. Throughout the story, Sunn-Childe struggles to keep his violent urges under control, but when an Imperial starship arrives, Sunn-Childe gives in and lets the monster on the cover wreak havoc. Horrified by the destruction he's caused, regardless of the fact it was in self-defense, Sunn-Childe recalls his monster and allows the Empire to destroy his city.
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| Cody Sunn-Childe watches as the Millennium Falcon leaves his Kingdom of Dreams |
What I think makes this story deserving on this list is a couple of thing, but the main thing is that this story could almost exist outside of Star Wars. Parts of it almost seem like a B-Movie you'd see on Mystery Science Theater 3000, while others come off as pulp sci-fi fiction from the '50s that would still end up on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Everything from the tone of the story to the designs of the characters (The Imperial villain, Captain Plikk, wears an incredibly tight, form-fitting blaze orange jumpsuit for some reason) screams of a retro-science-fiction vibe. Remove the proprietary characters, this could be a story that's part of its own universe.
The thing that really separate it from the rest of Star Wars is indeed the title character, Cody Sunn-Childe. He can manifest his demons into physical form, which basically act as an analogy for the actions that everyone can be so prone too. The Kingdom of Dreams is said to be built out of psychic energy, and Sunn-Childe himself is flame resistant and has other strange abilities. Within the universe its set in, The Dreams of Cody Sunn-Childe just doesn't seem to fit. Its too bizarre. Its too different. Its too surreal.
As a final note, I mentioned that the issue suffered from some executive meddling. In the original script, Lando was to accept Sunn-Childe's pacifist beliefs and leave Captain Plikk's crippled Imperial starship to languish in space as a kind of "pacifist's revenge." However, LucasFilm didn't like this, and instead changed the dialogue so that Lando would instead condemn Sunn-Childe's beliefs and his sacrifice. Lando would still leave the Imperials to rot in their disabled ship, denying Plikk the glory of a battlefield death, but his tone and reasoning became just that tiny bit more darker.
Sunn-Childe's future is bleak as far as a second coming is concerned. However, a different early Star Wars comic story, one about an ancient Jedi named Rur, has recently been re-imagined by the current run of Marvel Star Wars. So who knows, maybe we'll see the Kingdom of Dreams once more.
Number 8
Terak's castle
No, that is not a blurry picture from some Conan film or cheaply made Lord of the Rings movie. That is the castle of a galactic marauder named Terak. The fact Terak and his goons look like Orcs is a total coincidence. I'm positive. 80 percent positive, at least. I am mostly positive that half of the props used for the TV movie Battle for Endor were not meant for a fantasy film of some kind that Industrial Light and Magic re-purposed for their budget film about Ewoks. Oh, I bet with all the trees and ferns around you realized this was obviously set on the Forest Moon of Endor. Or, maybe this is the Gassy Plains moon of Endor?
If you're still wondering about the "budget film about Ewoks" bit, well, there was budget film about Ewoks. There were two, in fact. Both were released theatrically in the UK (Though unfortunately, Disney decided that these did not count towards their statement about how they were starting over the canon with just the theatrical Star Wars films) and saw the light of cable television everywhere else. If you think about it, these were the first prequel movies, given that they took place before the events of Return of the Jedi. Who would have guessed that the future of Star Wars in the '80s begun with movies about everyone's favorite cuddly, warrior teddy bears?
Terak's castle (aka Terak's Keep) is really more of a stepping stone for this entry, given that nearly the entire marauder gang could be mentioned. But then I'd be juggling with making an entry for Terak's witch friend Charal, or the Gorax, or the fact that Wicket the Ewok speaks English. I'll settle just for one bit and explain the rest. But Terak's castle might be on of the prime examples, just due to how out of place it looks. It's a medieval castle inside and out, complete with a drawbridge, moat, dungeons, and skeletons hanging from their wrists. I have no idea where they found this set, or why they decided to make it a Star Wars locale, but here it is anyways. The fact that Terak and his cronies really do look like Orcs doesn't help things, and if it wasn't for the occasional blaster, grenade, or the starship the movie's heroes uses to leave Endor with in the end, I don't think anyone would be able to identify this as a Star Wars film, or even a science-fiction film, for that matter.
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| Terak, King of the |
Did I mention that the character Noa wears prescription eyeglasses? I only mention this because Star Wars alum Pablo Hidalgo normally wears eyeglasses but was told that he couldn't for his brief cameo in Revenge of the Sith since George Lucas didn't want eyeglasses in his film. Given that Battle for Endor takes place years after Revenge of the Sith, maybe George just realized that in the universe's timeline, eyeglasses just weren't invented yet.
Wait, wasn't this bit about King Arthur's castle or something?
Number 7
Cammy (Holocam E droid)
I only wish the Cammy here was the hottie who played Luke's friend on Tatooine (And then got all of her scenes cut). During that wonderful time called the 1990s, LucasArts decided to create a subdivision called Lucas Learning, which would focus on creating educational video games. Most (if not all) were set in the Star Wars universe, with one bearing the title Droid Works. In the game the player would disguise themselves as a Jawa and build droids on a sandcrawler. The droids would then partake on missions that had something to do with assassin droids and physics (cuz learning).
Nearly all missions were overseen by this incredibly annoying droid called Cammy. What makes this character fitting for this list? Well, her deep Southern American accent is a good start. The character is persistent, the kind of robot who never shuts up. Weirdly, the voice actor doesn't so much as speak like someone with a natural drawl, but rather as someone trying really hard to sound like a stereotypical Texan. Furthermore, I swear that in all of the Star Wars voice acting work I've heard, I can't recall anyone talking like this droid. I think the closest we get is Boba Fett in the Dark Forces: Rebel Agent audio drama, but given that was an outlying case using a character with a pre-established voice, I don't think that truly counts.
Overall Cammy's voice puts her in this position, as it's just about as distracting and as off-putting as Ziro the Hutt's "Gay Bayou Voice (TM)" and as regionally annoying as Fargo's "Minniesoda, aye?" bonanza (Also, I'd love to include Ziro the Hutt on this list, but he's still canon, as it happens). I'm left wondering just what kind of in-universe accent Cammy is supposed to have. We know that the British accents are apparently from the Core Worlds (e.g. Coruscant, Vulpter, etc...), so if that's high class, then Deep South has gotta be some kind of backwater world further into space than Tatooine.
Cammy, please stay away. And keep your over-the-top voice with you. Given her status as a fairly obscure droid model, though, her kind may hit Disney canon in the future. They brought back the Pee-Wee Herman robot after all... And Pee-Wee Herman himself, for that matter.
As something weird, much of Waru's notability comes from his looks alone. After all, he's merely a wall of golden scales that oozes something constantly. Oh, and he consumes Luke Skywalker, forcing Princess Leia and Han Solo to jump into Waru in order to save him. I imagine it's kind of like that one episode of The Magic School Bus. You know the one.
As for context, Waru is somehow teleported to the known galaxy thanks to an Empire enthusiast named Hethrir, who leads the Empire Reborn movement. Waru is a being who is apparently "anti-Force," as his galaxy contains its own version of the Force which is empowered (Or something complicated) when the user of anti-Force destroys the Force (I try to explain it a little better a bit later). Given Hethrir's enemy is our good ol' hero Luke "Wormie" Skywalker, the Imperial wants Waru to consume Skywalker and gain power by vanquishing his Force. With Skywalker and other Jedi no longer being a threat, Hethrir plans to take over the galaxy. Obviously.
As it happened, Waru wasn't exactly malicious in his advance against Skywalker, as the only way he could return to his own galaxy was to consume something powerful in the Force. Hethrir's actual goal with Waru was to learn everything Waru himself knew about the Force. Skywalker being eaten was more-so a tasty bonus. However, Waru needed to apparently feast on things latent with the Force in order to sustain itself. In turn, Hethrir would give Waru Force-absent children to eat, as their life force could sustain Waru, but not give him enough power to return home.
So, if you're with me still... Waru is a giant wall of scales from another galaxy and/or dimension and must eat children to survive until he can eat Luke Skywalker and return home. Got that?
Ironically, Waru manages to heal an alien of some deadly ailment, and a cult forms around the guy. Seriously. The Cult of Waru is a thing. Hell, maybe this entry should be "The Cult of Waru." People started bringing their sick and dying to Waru, and the alien would glady heal them at random times. However, doing so caused Waru's life force to dissipate, which meant that he was forced to kill some of his patients from time to time in order to continue living and heal others. Of course, despite Waru feeling some depression over his existence, he apparently didn't mind the occasional murder. So, he's only a little sympathetic.
Luke, Leia, and Han decided to put an end to Waru's charade once they realized who his boss was, and although Waru swallowed all three of them, they managed to break out with sheer willpower. Waru, understandably angry that he had no way home, angrily swallowed Hethrir and then collapsed on himself into nothing. Waru never returned, and given his closeness with this one specific storyline, it's unlikely we'll ever see Waru again or learn if he truly made it back home.
But damn he's fucking weird, right?
Number 6
Waru
No, that isn't some greasy fanboy's grease-covered chainmail for his Helm's Deep cosplay. This delightful looking bit of oozing wallpaper is an alien named Waru. From the novel The Crystal Star, Waru is a mystical trans-dimensional alien of unknown origin. His species is stated to be outside of the New Republic's database, and official Lucasfilm sources never detailed much else about his kind. As such, we were left with a notably strange creation in a book that may have just been littered with strange, weird creations (*hint hint*). All we really know about Waru is that he's from some other galaxy.As something weird, much of Waru's notability comes from his looks alone. After all, he's merely a wall of golden scales that oozes something constantly. Oh, and he consumes Luke Skywalker, forcing Princess Leia and Han Solo to jump into Waru in order to save him. I imagine it's kind of like that one episode of The Magic School Bus. You know the one.
As for context, Waru is somehow teleported to the known galaxy thanks to an Empire enthusiast named Hethrir, who leads the Empire Reborn movement. Waru is a being who is apparently "anti-Force," as his galaxy contains its own version of the Force which is empowered (Or something complicated) when the user of anti-Force destroys the Force (I try to explain it a little better a bit later). Given Hethrir's enemy is our good ol' hero Luke "Wormie" Skywalker, the Imperial wants Waru to consume Skywalker and gain power by vanquishing his Force. With Skywalker and other Jedi no longer being a threat, Hethrir plans to take over the galaxy. Obviously.
As it happened, Waru wasn't exactly malicious in his advance against Skywalker, as the only way he could return to his own galaxy was to consume something powerful in the Force. Hethrir's actual goal with Waru was to learn everything Waru himself knew about the Force. Skywalker being eaten was more-so a tasty bonus. However, Waru needed to apparently feast on things latent with the Force in order to sustain itself. In turn, Hethrir would give Waru Force-absent children to eat, as their life force could sustain Waru, but not give him enough power to return home.
So, if you're with me still... Waru is a giant wall of scales from another galaxy and/or dimension and must eat children to survive until he can eat Luke Skywalker and return home. Got that?
Ironically, Waru manages to heal an alien of some deadly ailment, and a cult forms around the guy. Seriously. The Cult of Waru is a thing. Hell, maybe this entry should be "The Cult of Waru." People started bringing their sick and dying to Waru, and the alien would glady heal them at random times. However, doing so caused Waru's life force to dissipate, which meant that he was forced to kill some of his patients from time to time in order to continue living and heal others. Of course, despite Waru feeling some depression over his existence, he apparently didn't mind the occasional murder. So, he's only a little sympathetic.
Luke, Leia, and Han decided to put an end to Waru's charade once they realized who his boss was, and although Waru swallowed all three of them, they managed to break out with sheer willpower. Waru, understandably angry that he had no way home, angrily swallowed Hethrir and then collapsed on himself into nothing. Waru never returned, and given his closeness with this one specific storyline, it's unlikely we'll ever see Waru again or learn if he truly made it back home.
But damn he's fucking weird, right?
Number 5
Princess Nampi
Believe it or not, the King of Slime himself, Jabba the Hutt, was the star in a couple of comic books released in 1995 and '96. In one of these stories, Jabba and his goons were captured by the.... Uh.... Beautiful? Illustrious? Graceful? Multi-breasted? Well, that last one is definitely on the ball somewhere... Well, her name is Nampi, and she's the princess of something/somewhere.
Anyways, this strange and rather violent tale begins with Nampi, as mentioned, capturing Jabba and his crew while they attempted to pillage her starship. Jabba's top man, Scuppa, tries to talk his way out of the ordeal by quickly betraying Jabba. It doesn't go quite as planned, and Nampi tries to have him executed. This, in another odd turn of events, also backfires, as Scuppa willingly accepts his fate. Smitten, Princess Nampi falls in love and decides to marry Scuppa (If you're wondering who Scuppa is, check out the picture: He's the red humanoid in the front. The big purple thing is Nampi. They're going to get married. I wonder what the kids would look like).
Although that's all pretty strange and all around goofy to begin with, it gets better (Or worse?). As it happens, Nampi comes from a culture where its customary for the bride to eat the head of her mate on the night of the wedding. If only somebody told poor Scuppa... Jabba and friends are invited to the ceremony to observe, and for those rooting for Jabba to escape his ordeal, some satisfaction may come from seeing Scuppa's violent and graphic demise.
Do you realize how rare blood and graphic violence is in Star Wars? In the original trilogy we get Ponda Baba's arm, Tauntaun guts, and blood from Leia's blaster wound during the battle of Endor. There's some further lightsaber limb loping, but there no real bloodshed when it appears. In the prequel trilogy the most graphic thing we get is Anakin's burned body at the end (There's some minor blood when Darth Maul gets halved, too). The sequel trilogy sees stormtrooper Finn getting a bloody hand smeared over his helmet. Although there is plenty of dismemberment, the actual blood content is rather low in Star Wars. Gore is exceptionally rare (Williem Dietz's Dark Forces novellas contain some rather graphic content, but again, that's an exception and is seen through prose, not actual imagery). But then we get these Jabba comics...
...because as it happens, Scuppa had an explosive device planted in his head. Jabba may have had Scuppa as a top guard dog, but he didn't trust the guy a whole lot. So he put a little bomb in Scuppa's head as a contingency for betrayal. Nampi finds out too late as the bomb goes off, making for some of the messiest panels in a Star Wars comic (A shout out to Boba Fett: Death, Lies, and Treachery for the graphic portrayal of a Hutt being torn apart, even if the whole thing was colored in shades of blue and green).
If anything, Nampi serves as the poster child for all of the really gross and graphic things that occur in the rather entertaining Jabba the Hutt comic books. Other things of note include Jabba eating a person after killing the rest of their family, a rival crime lord getting his head blown clean off thanks to a deflected blaster bolt, and Jabba and Bib Fortuna beating up a bunch of geckos. Actually, maybe that last one should be on the list instead.
Anyways, this strange and rather violent tale begins with Nampi, as mentioned, capturing Jabba and his crew while they attempted to pillage her starship. Jabba's top man, Scuppa, tries to talk his way out of the ordeal by quickly betraying Jabba. It doesn't go quite as planned, and Nampi tries to have him executed. This, in another odd turn of events, also backfires, as Scuppa willingly accepts his fate. Smitten, Princess Nampi falls in love and decides to marry Scuppa (If you're wondering who Scuppa is, check out the picture: He's the red humanoid in the front. The big purple thing is Nampi. They're going to get married. I wonder what the kids would look like).
Although that's all pretty strange and all around goofy to begin with, it gets better (Or worse?). As it happens, Nampi comes from a culture where its customary for the bride to eat the head of her mate on the night of the wedding. If only somebody told poor Scuppa... Jabba and friends are invited to the ceremony to observe, and for those rooting for Jabba to escape his ordeal, some satisfaction may come from seeing Scuppa's violent and graphic demise.
Do you realize how rare blood and graphic violence is in Star Wars? In the original trilogy we get Ponda Baba's arm, Tauntaun guts, and blood from Leia's blaster wound during the battle of Endor. There's some further lightsaber limb loping, but there no real bloodshed when it appears. In the prequel trilogy the most graphic thing we get is Anakin's burned body at the end (There's some minor blood when Darth Maul gets halved, too). The sequel trilogy sees stormtrooper Finn getting a bloody hand smeared over his helmet. Although there is plenty of dismemberment, the actual blood content is rather low in Star Wars. Gore is exceptionally rare (Williem Dietz's Dark Forces novellas contain some rather graphic content, but again, that's an exception and is seen through prose, not actual imagery). But then we get these Jabba comics...
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| Is it me, or does excessive gore seem a little out of place in Star Wars? |
...because as it happens, Scuppa had an explosive device planted in his head. Jabba may have had Scuppa as a top guard dog, but he didn't trust the guy a whole lot. So he put a little bomb in Scuppa's head as a contingency for betrayal. Nampi finds out too late as the bomb goes off, making for some of the messiest panels in a Star Wars comic (A shout out to Boba Fett: Death, Lies, and Treachery for the graphic portrayal of a Hutt being torn apart, even if the whole thing was colored in shades of blue and green).
If anything, Nampi serves as the poster child for all of the really gross and graphic things that occur in the rather entertaining Jabba the Hutt comic books. Other things of note include Jabba eating a person after killing the rest of their family, a rival crime lord getting his head blown clean off thanks to a deflected blaster bolt, and Jabba and Bib Fortuna beating up a bunch of geckos. Actually, maybe that last one should be on the list instead.
Number 4
Codru-Ji
Who let the dogs out, indeed. Developed alongside Waru by author Vonda McIntyre for her aforementioned novel The Crystal Star, the Codru-Ji, at first glance, appear to be your average four-armed alien character. After all, there's plenty of four-armed aliens in Star Wars, including Besalisks, Morseerians, Volpai, Xexto, and so and so forth (What, you thought I was going to name all of them?). Compared to those particular examples, the Codru-Ji look tame in comparison due to their rather human-like appearance. I mean, just look at the picture: A Codru-Ji and his pet wyrwulf.
*Ahem* I'm sorry... I meant his wyrwulf child. Oh dear, I can hear the fur... Erhm, no, no, not going down that road. But otherwise, yes, that dog creature is in fact the humanoid's child. For whatever strange biological reason, Codru-Ji females give birth to dogs that, after eight years, wrap a cocoon around themselves which allows them to morph like a butterfly into their final humanoid stage. It's sort of like a Pokemon evolution if your Mightyena evolved into another ten year old kid to run around with dispensing vigilante justice to the criminal gang of the week.
According to Star Wars lore, wyrwulves act very dog-like to the point that they are in fact, just dogs. They don't talk, they aren't incredibly intelligent, they form the classic "a boy and his dog"-Old Yeller bond/relationship, and they work as excellent guard animals. And yet apparently the Codru-Ji still get pissy when you mistake their kids for something that acts just like your space poodle that you brought over for a play-date (After which you realize that you should have brought your space kid for the play-date instead). To further think that the kids are essentially naked all the time until they pop out of their cocoon and find out they need to start wearing clothing. Ah yes, the nostalgia of childhood... Or, uh, wolfhood?
The humanoids aren't without their own weird ticks, though. They sleep standing up like a horse, have the physical stability of a camel, supersonic hearing, and only have one really good hand out of their four.
For what appeared to be a strange, one-shot creature for The Crystal Star ended up having a decent life in the expanded universe. Notably, the species and their homeworld were featured extensively in an issue of the Star Wars: Legacy comics, where a Sith Lord named Darth Kruhl assassinates a clan leader and his family in a bid to take over their homeworld of Munto Codru. In fact, given the species' intriguing life-cycle, we could see the Codru-Ji again. Dog children and all.
*Ahem* I'm sorry... I meant his wyrwulf child. Oh dear, I can hear the fur... Erhm, no, no, not going down that road. But otherwise, yes, that dog creature is in fact the humanoid's child. For whatever strange biological reason, Codru-Ji females give birth to dogs that, after eight years, wrap a cocoon around themselves which allows them to morph like a butterfly into their final humanoid stage. It's sort of like a Pokemon evolution if your Mightyena evolved into another ten year old kid to run around with dispensing vigilante justice to the criminal gang of the week.
According to Star Wars lore, wyrwulves act very dog-like to the point that they are in fact, just dogs. They don't talk, they aren't incredibly intelligent, they form the classic "a boy and his dog"-Old Yeller bond/relationship, and they work as excellent guard animals. And yet apparently the Codru-Ji still get pissy when you mistake their kids for something that acts just like your space poodle that you brought over for a play-date (After which you realize that you should have brought your space kid for the play-date instead). To further think that the kids are essentially naked all the time until they pop out of their cocoon and find out they need to start wearing clothing. Ah yes, the nostalgia of childhood... Or, uh, wolfhood?
The humanoids aren't without their own weird ticks, though. They sleep standing up like a horse, have the physical stability of a camel, supersonic hearing, and only have one really good hand out of their four.
For what appeared to be a strange, one-shot creature for The Crystal Star ended up having a decent life in the expanded universe. Notably, the species and their homeworld were featured extensively in an issue of the Star Wars: Legacy comics, where a Sith Lord named Darth Kruhl assassinates a clan leader and his family in a bid to take over their homeworld of Munto Codru. In fact, given the species' intriguing life-cycle, we could see the Codru-Ji again. Dog children and all.
Number 3
Jaxxon
Oh heavenly Hutches, Jaxxon might literally be my most favorite Star Wars-thing ever. As Pablo Hidalgo once said, "Jaxxon is the great leveler," a "cosmic alarm bell that says to take a deep breath for a minute [and] by all means, carry on." He is a giant green rabbit man who talks like Bugs Bunny and shoots people for money. He's incredible. I have no idea why Hasbro, during their best toylines, never gave this guy an action figure. I have no idea why Gentle Giant never made a giant Jaxxon figurine. I'm not totally sure if Jaxxon should be on this list because there's a rabbit corpse with his clothing in an episode of The Clone Wars. But dammit, I love Jaxxon. He epitomizes everything that's weird in Star Wars. Or at least the weird cool things, since, well, he ain't number one, here. But he is probably the most well known thing on this list. Did I mention his ship is called the Rabbit's Foot?
Jaxxon was delivered to us in a hand-woven basket blessed by God himself during 1977, shortly after the release of the original Star Wars film. Along with the novel Splinter of the Mind's Eye, the early '77 Marvel comics would feature some of the very first expanded universe characters. As it happens, one was a giant green bunny. Jaxxon was one of the main characters in what's referred to as the "Star Hoppers of Aduba-3" story-line, in which Han Solo and Chewbacca cobble together a rag-tag team of mercenaries to protect a village of farmers from pirates (In a fairly obvious nod to the film The Seven Samurai).
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| Space rabbits are not, in fact, rodents. |
Right off his first panel, Jaxxon is an obvious Bugs Bunny caricature, spouting off lines about space carrots and making sarcastic remarks about everything and everyone. He has a weird relationship with fellow merc and apparent part-time call girl Amaiza Foxtrain, a human, that is more of a tease throughout their time together. The Aduba-3 story arc lasted for three issues, with Jaxxon securing one last appearance several issues later in a one-shot story meant to setup a villain who would reappear much later in the series' run. Jaxxon wouldn't be mentioned again until twenty years later, and achieved one truly final appearance in the Clone Wars era comic Invitation Only, in which Jaxxon's face can be seen on a wanted poster.
Despite only a brief run of appearances, Jaxxon is one of the more iconic oddities of the early expanded universe. Despite this, some people are so fed up with the early silliness that Jaxxon is unfortunately loped in with quacks like Jar Jar Binks. I can see why, though. People like Star Wars a little more serious sometimes, and it's not hard to see why. The franchise has offered a lot of deep and mature stories that offer incredible values and insight. But with that said, there's no reason not to delight in some silliness now and again. Thanks to Marvel, it's a part of Star Wars, and that's not really a bad thing.
Due to the fact that Jaxxon is admired by a lot of content creators, the big green guy has a good chance at making my list out-dated. He's already appeared twice on variant covers for the new Marvel comic series, and another author expressed interest in canonizing Jaxxon yet again. But for now, only time will tell if our weird carrot chomping space bunny will see the light.
Number 2
Jeby/Rainboh
Take a good, long look at that "obviously done by a six-year old" drawing right above me here. You know what that is? That's official artwork. And it's actually by a seven-year old. That bizarre three-headed and multi-limbed alien is called a Jeby, and that rainbow colored pitcher's mound it's standing on is the species' homeworld, called Rainboh. I think it's drawn in crayon.
Back in 1996 there was a "Design An Alien" contest hosted in Star Wars Galaxy Magazine, with entry categories separated into age groups. The Jeby and their homeworld were actually a runner-up, but in 2006 all published entries, whether they were winners or runner-ups, were established as actual canon. This, as it happens, included the technicolored monstrosity before you.
Now, I'll admit, it might not be fair to post this here, especially so high, because if a professional artist had created it I wouldn't be harking on it so much, even with the three heads, multi-colored necks, twelve arms, and the boil-covered body which makes it look like Jeby Moses had to teach some Egyptian Jebys a lesson 'bout Jew Jeby slavery. Also, is that just a mound of rainbow dirt or is that supposed to be Rainboh itself? In which, case are they supposed to be so massive that they literally dwarf their planet at a certain age? Or is this just an artistic "super-imposition?" The planet seems to be further covered by rocks and is orbited by a moon that apparently is sectioned into four neat corners of color.
What continues to make the Jeby strange though is the apparent description provided along with their picture, which claims that the Jeby laugh so hard their spots can fall right the hell of their body. They can lose additional body parts, which are then reattached to their body with their arms. Ew.
Now, I'll admit, it might not be fair to post this here, especially so high, because if a professional artist had created it I wouldn't be harking on it so much, even with the three heads, multi-colored necks, twelve arms, and the boil-covered body which makes it look like Jeby Moses had to teach some Egyptian Jebys a lesson 'bout Jew Jeby slavery. Also, is that just a mound of rainbow dirt or is that supposed to be Rainboh itself? In which, case are they supposed to be so massive that they literally dwarf their planet at a certain age? Or is this just an artistic "super-imposition?" The planet seems to be further covered by rocks and is orbited by a moon that apparently is sectioned into four neat corners of color.
What continues to make the Jeby strange though is the apparent description provided along with their picture, which claims that the Jeby laugh so hard their spots can fall right the hell of their body. They can lose additional body parts, which are then reattached to their body with their arms. Ew.
Like many of the "Design An Alien" creatures, the Jeby made no further appearances in official lore. However, the planet Rainboh would be mentioned in several versions of the Galactic Atlas. This ended up being the fate of the majority of the "Design" entries, regardless of how weird, cool, bad, or good they were. Authors either weren't aware of them, or they didn't care about them. The only one I recall making any progress were the "Skels of Hoth," which were yeti-like monsters. The Skels became a wildlife enemy in the Star Wars: The Old Republic MMORPG game. Another creature, called the Critokian (Which was one of the actual contest winners), appeared in the novel Millennium Falcon. Yoda's Jedi Master was also spawned from the contest. I'm curious to know what the authors think of their inclusions to the Star Wars lore today. I bet the Skel creator is pretty happy, though. Odds are, the Jeby won't be coming back anytime soon.
Number 1
Mount Sorrow
From Wookieepedia: "Mount Sorrow was a mountain on the Forest Moon of Endor." Hm, okay. Simple enough. "The tip of the mountain was in fact sentient"-- And now I'm laughing.
Back in the 1980s, Marvel (Who else?) produced two comic book series based on a pair of Star Wars television shows that were airing at the time: Star Wars: Droids and Star Wars: Ewoks. Despite Droids starring the ever-famous C-3PO and R2-D2, the show a moderate success that did not warrant a second season, and the comic book run was pitifully short despite some fun stories. Ewoks, based on the furry creatures from Return of the Jedi that scores of audiences hated, fared much better and received a two-season show and a longer run of comics that later received a brief sequel graphic novel during the later Dark Horse run of Star Wars comics. Suffice to say, despite what some audiences wanted, the Ewoks were popular.
Given that the Ewok world relies heavily on magic and the unknown of the Forest Moon of Endor (As opposed to the Force, technology, and a variety of different locales strung about the galaxy), the series was certain to entertain a variety of strange new subjects to keep the show interesting. As it happened, many of these elements tended to lean into the realm of the bizarre. Perhaps nothing sums up the show/comic's weirdness better than the crying mountain top itself, Mount Sorrow.
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| Mount Sorrow is a dick to Ewoks |
As mentioned above, Mount Sorrow is a sentient mountain tip. It's the tip of a mountain that can talk and experience feelings. A talking mountain. The mountain's tip is sentient. Just the tip. Why? I don't know. As it happens, mount Sorrow is depressed and mournful like, 99% of the time, and it also just so happens that his tears have magic healing capabilities. Yah, yah, I know it sounds like bad fantasy... And well, you're right. It kind of is (Or maybe, it's great fantasy?). But the kicker is that the thing happens to be lofted into an obscure corner of the Star Wars universe. It was goddamn canon, folks. If hardcore fans already hated the Ewoks for being a weird metaphor for the Viet-Cong that handily beat the Empire's "elite" ground troops, I bet they turned rather genocidal towards the fuzzy koosh-balls after they learned about Mount Sorrow (And probably a handful of other strange, Ewok related things, like the Sun King, or Charal the Witch from the previously mentioned Ewok films).
Mount Sorrow's full story in the face of the Ewoks is that Teebo (The black and gray striped Ewok from Return of the Jedi that captures our heroes and later gets zapped by R2, but who in the cartoon is brown) becomes sick with something and must travel to Mount Sorrow in order to get a taste of them healing tears. However, Sorrow doesn't just give the things out willy-nilly. For him to cry over Lenore (or whatever) the sentient mountain tip must find you worthy enough to sob over the broad for. Teebo ends up going through great lengths of suffering for the sake of his friends (Who Mount Sorrow is actively trying to kill) before Mount Sorrow deems Teebo's selflessness worthy of a cry. He then flips on his emo tunes and cries all over Teebo. Yay?
I don't know if I need to go into much further detail about Mount Sorrow. I mean, he's a crying mountain tip that can talk. His species is never revealed, if he even is an alien in the general sense. His origins are never discussed. It's not known if Endor magic, the Force, or Nightsister shit is too blame for the weeping monstrosity. But y'know what? It kind of keeps the magic alive. Mount Sorrow will be, for me, the weirdest thing in old Star Wars canon. I don't think the new canon could ever create something as memorable for the wrong reasons like Mount Sorrow. He's too weird, too out there. He's a product of the weird times of '80s comic books, and how strange and abstract Star Wars was getting in some media forms.
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| Is he... stiffening? |
There's nothing really wrong with Mount Sorrow, or the rest of the Star Wars: Ewoks franchise. I enjoyed what the sub-franchise had to offer. It was a bit of non-serious fun that in some ways felt more like Star Wars than the "hard shit" other creators were trying to make. Hidalgo may have called Jaxxon the "great leveler" when it comes to how we shouldn't take Star Wars seriously, but I think Mount Sorrow, despite his single appearance in Issue 7 of Marvel's Ewoks, fits the bill far better. He's a weird character, makes no goddamn sense, but then again, half of the other stuff in Star Wars never quite made complete sense either--good stuff everyone loved included.
We probably won't see Mount Sorrow again, and we may never hear his story expanded on. For some, that's as much of a breath of relief for them as the end of the Sun Crusher's canon existence is for me. Star Wars fans will always argue over what was bad and what was good, what was cool and what was weird. Ultimately, I don't think it matters as long as we're all fans.
All I'm left wondering is, will Star Wars ever get this weird again? Perhaps the better question is, would we be prepared for it to happen?
Honorable Mentions:
a. The Sun Crusher: I wrote up a lengthy entry for this, but I soon realized that the Sun Crusher isn't so much of a weird thing as it is a product of bad storytelling and stupendously terrible ideas making it into the Expanded Universe. I largely compared the story of the Sun Crusher to that of the Cody Sunn-Childe story, but what I was writing could have essentially been its own post. The entire story arc that centered around Kyp Durron, a totally respectable EU figure, was also garbage mostly, and more or less tarnished him. It was too much to write about and wasn't focused on the topic at hand.
b. Ruurians: These aliens are grotesque slug-like creatures that primarily live in a larvae-esque state. When they go through a metamorphosis, they turn into chroma-wings (Butterfly like creatures). They lose the will to do anything other than eat, sleep, and frolic. Although a perfectly weird concept, the Ruurians were canonized for the novel The Rebellion Begins, which made the species ineligible for this list.
c. The Void Rider (Ship): Marvel Star Wars 38: Riders in the Void was a one-shot issue in the Marvel run of Star Wars that featured a character who rode the intergalactic void in a mecha-organic starship. The pilot fused with the ship over time, and simply became known as "Ship." Luke and Leia come across Ship while running from the Empire and are confused by Ship for being fictional beings in a game he created to entertain himself with. Upon realizing that they're real people, Ship tells them of his history, in which a war that took place in his home galaxy left him as the sole survivor of his kind. I left this entry out as the lit was becoming bloated with Marvel related topics, and I wanted to reach beyond the scope of one publisher.
d. Chironians: Another species from The Crystal Star novel, Chironians are centaur-like beings. However, the novel left the creatures unnamed, referring to the sole named character, Lusa, explicitly as a centaur. She went on to appear in the Young Jedi Knights series of books and the species was first identified as a Chironian in the novel Star By Star, which came out years after YJK ended. Lusa, a female member of the species, was mentioned as moving about without any clothes for some rare Star Wars nudity. I left this topic out for the same reasons as Ship, as I didn't want too many entries coming out of one source. Otherwise this list may as well have been nothing but Marvel and Crystal Star related topics.
a. The Sun Crusher: I wrote up a lengthy entry for this, but I soon realized that the Sun Crusher isn't so much of a weird thing as it is a product of bad storytelling and stupendously terrible ideas making it into the Expanded Universe. I largely compared the story of the Sun Crusher to that of the Cody Sunn-Childe story, but what I was writing could have essentially been its own post. The entire story arc that centered around Kyp Durron, a totally respectable EU figure, was also garbage mostly, and more or less tarnished him. It was too much to write about and wasn't focused on the topic at hand.
b. Ruurians: These aliens are grotesque slug-like creatures that primarily live in a larvae-esque state. When they go through a metamorphosis, they turn into chroma-wings (Butterfly like creatures). They lose the will to do anything other than eat, sleep, and frolic. Although a perfectly weird concept, the Ruurians were canonized for the novel The Rebellion Begins, which made the species ineligible for this list.
c. The Void Rider (Ship): Marvel Star Wars 38: Riders in the Void was a one-shot issue in the Marvel run of Star Wars that featured a character who rode the intergalactic void in a mecha-organic starship. The pilot fused with the ship over time, and simply became known as "Ship." Luke and Leia come across Ship while running from the Empire and are confused by Ship for being fictional beings in a game he created to entertain himself with. Upon realizing that they're real people, Ship tells them of his history, in which a war that took place in his home galaxy left him as the sole survivor of his kind. I left this entry out as the lit was becoming bloated with Marvel related topics, and I wanted to reach beyond the scope of one publisher.
d. Chironians: Another species from The Crystal Star novel, Chironians are centaur-like beings. However, the novel left the creatures unnamed, referring to the sole named character, Lusa, explicitly as a centaur. She went on to appear in the Young Jedi Knights series of books and the species was first identified as a Chironian in the novel Star By Star, which came out years after YJK ended. Lusa, a female member of the species, was mentioned as moving about without any clothes for some rare Star Wars nudity. I left this topic out for the same reasons as Ship, as I didn't want too many entries coming out of one source. Otherwise this list may as well have been nothing but Marvel and Crystal Star related topics.
e. Ziro the Hutt: From Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Ziro was a flamboyant Hutt who talked like he came straight from a bayou with a dash of stereotyped "gay." His voice and mannerisms were about as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. I decided not to include him due to the fact that it was either going to be Ziro or Cammy, and I went with Cammy because her southern accent was far stranger for the Star Wars universe as opposed to Ziro's lisp, which I can kind of see for a character with his context. Cammy had no context. She just existed for the sake of things.
And that's a wrap.
All research and images obtained from Wookieepedia, where you can literally drown in all things Star Wars, obscure and otherwise
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